you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
should my penis look like a turkey
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
