I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
