Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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