So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
