Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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