she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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