I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
