my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
You're earring is so big in my mouth
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
