no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
