I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
