She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
