he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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