remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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