we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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