Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
