saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize
