we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
