How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
