Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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