My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
