I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
