A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
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