I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Randomize
