Who wears a wallet chain?!
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
They took my balls.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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