I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
