Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Randomize
