I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
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