I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize