Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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