Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
