I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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