Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
