I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
the gays at disneyland are vicious
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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