im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize