I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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