He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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