Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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