you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
