i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
The Olympian is in my bed
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
