i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Randomize
