u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
