guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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