I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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