he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize