I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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