omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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