she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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