you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
