tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
