I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
