rhymes with "ouble enetration"
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
