good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
