Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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