I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
