You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
