I got chris browned last night
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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