Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
