onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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