My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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