oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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