Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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