Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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